


My Beating Heart Belongs to You

by tashayar



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 04:50:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8651668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tashayar/pseuds/tashayar
Summary: “I will give you the means to protect them… your home.”Where was home? With her mother’s village razed, her father’s city a reminder of her failure, Greyskull Keep abandoned, and Emon perverted by a monster returned from the dead, she wasn’t sure she knew any more.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through episode 64  
> Title from Green Day's "Last Night on Earth"  
> Based on [this beautiful art](http://68.media.tumblr.com/29432fd5f6a9449e22b3d6f11f3b25a8/tumblr_inline_oh5v44t56p1r37euo_500.jpg) by Tumblr user totallygonnawingit

_“Sweet, broken Vex’ahlia… unwanted daughter, unproven ally… selfish and cruel…”_

_The darkness around her was broken by the light cast from the eyes of a long gone, corrupted being, caught in a sickening limbo between life and death._

_“I will give you the means to protect them… your home.”_

_Where was home? With her mother’s village razed, her father’s city a reminder of her failure, Greyskull Keep abandoned, and Emon perverted by a monster returned from the dead, she wasn’t sure she knew any more._

_“What would you ask in return?” Her voice was small amidst the whispering of the leaves and the groaning of the bark surrounding her._

_“Your heart…”_

Vex startled awake, the unforgiving shadows of her dream fading into the soft light of her room in Whitestone castle. As the echoes faded, she couldn’t help but wonder if Whitestone was to be her home. She was a Baroness now, after all.

Rather than delve into that prospect too deeply, Vex let the blanket slip from around her shoulders as she sat up and held her head in her hands for a moment. Glancing out the window and still seeing the faintest traces of deep, blood-red light, Vex knew she could only have been asleep for an hour or so. With the plan to leave for Marquet or Draconia the next day, and after the ordeal in the Feywild, this might be the last chance for a night of peace, and she certainly wouldn’t manage that in her current state.

Silently, Vex stepped down, barefoot, onto the stone floor, the abrupt coldness strangely welcome; it brought her back to her own body, away from the confines of her nightmare. Vex crept to the door, deliberating where she would go. “Away” was the only answer she came up with; though Saundor was dead, her mind had turned into her new enemy, and that wasn’t something she could hunt down and kill to stop from tormenting her. Vex needed the company of someone she had the utmost faith in, someone she had effectively risked her found family for.

She slipped past the sleeping bear at the foot of her bed, or the bear that appeared to be sleeping. Trinket probably knew the moment Vex woke up, but if the walk back from the Sun Tree indicated anything, Trinket also probably knew Vex needed to talk with someone else.

Into the hallway and a couple rooms down, Vex stopped, comforted by the light trickling out from under the door that was to be her haven. Still, she hesitated for a moment, her fist raised, until she forced herself to knock before she could change her mind.

“Come in,” the voice from inside called, and Vex darted inside, shutting the door quietly behind her.

 The guest rooms of Whitestone castle were generally sparse. Even so, Pike’s room seemed aglow with a gentle, pulsing energy that, just for a moment, made Vex feel like she could be safe there.

“Vex,” Pike said, blinking in surprise. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I’m not intruding, I hope?” Vex asked, glancing down at the book resting between Pike’s crossed legs and hoping she suppressed the tremble of insecurity in her voice.

“No, no, no, not at all,” Pike replied quickly, closing the book and setting it beside her on the bed. She was in a loose-fitting shirt and pants, hair slightly mussed, sitting amongst equally-mussed blankets and pillows. Something about her demeanor reminded Vex of home, even if she hadn’t quite figured out where that was yet. 

“I’m sorry, I was having some trouble falling asleep. Would you mind if I joined you?” Vex tilted her head to one side, her words tentative as she wondered if Pike could sense how much was left unspoken.

If she did, the gnome gave no indication of it. Pike just gave a wide smile and tapped the spot on the bed beside her. “Come on up! It seems like we haven’t talked in forever, what with you guys going into the Feywild and everything.”

“And we’re probably going away again tomorrow with no plan whatsoever,” Vex said as she sat next to Pike, hyper aware of the little bit of space between them. She glanced over, meeting Pike’s eyes for a moment, before looking down at her hands clasped together on her lap. “You should have been with us, Pike. It doesn’t feel the same without you.”

“I was with you,” Pike pointed out, “for a while at least.” After a brief pause her voice changed tone. “But I know what you mean. It’s just… there’s work to be done here.”

“You’re too selfless for your own good, you know that?”

Where did that come from? Vex thought to herself. She looked back over at Pike to gauge her reaction and was relieved to see a sweet smile on her friend’s face.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Pike countered. It was her turn to look away this time.

“You are,” Vex went on. “That’s why I- we need you. You balance us out.”

Vex caught herself before she said anything too revealing, but she still wondered if visiting Pike was a mistake. Being around her only magnified the feelings Vex was trying to prevent from influencing her to the extent they had in the Feywild. Any minute Pike was going to realize how much Vex had gambled on the off chance that her feelings were mutual, how much danger she had put their friends in because she would rather fight her demons than understand them.

 _Companionship. I have been without for so very long. And the ones I have let in have hurt me so very deeply,_ the haunting words repeated in her mind.

“Aww, Vex.” Pike’s voice brought her back to Whitestone. There was the faintest hint of blush on the gnome’s cheeks. “You’re not just here to compliment me, are you? What was keeping you up?” When Vex hesitated before answering, Pike continued, “It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me. If it’s a nightmare maybe talking about it could help it go away.”

“I wish it could be that easy,” Vex sighed. “When we fought Saundor in the Feywild, it wasn’t just a fight. He said some things to me before we attacked and…” Vex trailed off and started again. “You know that little voice at the back of your head that tells you what you’re doing is wrong, no matter what it is you’re doing?”

“You think it was wrong to kill Saundor?” Pike answered Vex’s question with another.

“No!” There was a beat after the instinctual answer. “Well, sometimes, but that doesn’t matter. It all worked out in the end,” Vex said, hoping if she said it out loud she’d believe it. Shouldn’t she be willing to do anything to protect her friends? Perhaps Saundor was right to call her selfish.

“Well, obviously something didn’t,” Pike pressed.

She should really just stop right there, Vex thought, say it doesn’t matter and change the subject and then leave after some normal amount of time. The part of Vex that was scared of processing all this alone won over the part of her that was scared of what Pike might think.

“He knew things about me, things that I tried to forget. He said that he and I were alike and tried to make a deal with me.” Vex curled her legs under herself and shifted so she could face Pike, her voice lowering. “He said he would give me the means to protect the people I cared about, I just had to give him my heart.” Without thinking, Vex’s hands rose to her chest, as if still trying to shield herself from Saundor’s threat.

“And you think you’d need someone else’s help to do that?” Pike’s voice grew soft to match Vex’s. “What does that even mean, anyway, giving him your heart? That could have been anything. What if he meant, you know, ripping your heart out and just killing you instantly?” There was humor behind what Pike was saying, but she wasn’t smiling. 

“It could have meant that,” Vex said, giving words to what she’d been thinking about almost constantly since the encounter. “But I don’t think Saundor was lying when he said he could give me a way to protect you all; or at least he didn’t believe he was lying. That scares me more. That’s why I shot him, Pike, because now that voice that tells me I’m not good enough has a form, and I thought I could destroy it.” Vex turned away. “It’s only made it worse.”

Pike looked thoughtful for a moment. “Do you really believe you’re not good enough, Vex?”

Vex couldn’t bring herself to look at her friend. “I don’t know if I believe it, but the thought’s always there, and that makes it hard to ignore.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” Pike said simply. “And not just because I say you’re amazing, but because you proved it wrong. If Saundor was telling the truth about you two being alike, you would have taken his deal. Since he was wrong about that, why should you trust anything else he said? What else could he have been wrong about?”

What Pike was saying was comforting in a way that was so different from what Percy and Keyleth had joked about after the battle; then, perhaps, Vex had needed to smile, but now that her adrenaline had settled, she needed to just feel. Maybe that was what made her say the last thing she was planning on sharing that night.

“He was wrong that my heart was mine to give.”

There was a moment-- no more than a split second-- where her focus clarified, like when she cast her Hunter’s Mark, but the burst of energy throughout her chest wasn’t one of vindication, although it came with the same amount of fervor. Vex reached for the back of Pike’s head and brought their lips together.

When Vex pulled away, Pike was opening her eyes slowly, her face flushed.

“I-” Vex panicked, stammering and not sure what she was planning on saying.

“You...” Pike said, a smile of amazement spreading across her face, “you’re giving your heart to me?”

“If you’ll have it,” Vex replied timidly, one arm still around Pike’s shoulder. “It was yours already, darling.”

With an unexpected amount of strength, Pike all but tackled Vex over onto her back and kissed her again. There was a muffled _thump_ as the book Pike had been reading fell onto the floor, but Vex didn’t register it until a few seconds later, she was in such a state of joy and shock.

“Could you… um…” Pike started to ask, giggling and lifting herself up for a moment to gesture over the side of the bed.

Vex couldn’t help but laugh in response as she reached over and picked Pike’s book up off the ground. “What? Are you worried I lost your page?”

“Oh no, it’s just… I want to write something down before I forget it,” Pike explained, taking the book gingerly from Vex and rolling herself over so she could sit next to Vex.

“Did I interrupt something when I came in?” Vex’s eyebrow arched, shifting to face Pike and raising herself up on one arm. 

“Sort of, but I’m actually glad you did,” Pike answered, opening the book on her lap once more. “I like writing about the good things that happen to me, it helps me keep my connection with Sarenrae, but it’s also a reminder that even something as awful as the Chroma Conclave didn’t take away all the nice things in the world.” Pike stopped to look over her shoulder at Vex with a slight blush. “I was writing about how happy I was that you all came back today, but now I get to write about this, too.” 

“Could you read some of that to me?” Vex asked. “I think I could use a reminder like that tonight, if you don’t mind me staying for a little bit.” 

Pike looked surprised. “I’d love to.” She reached over to take a quill from the side table, then paused, becoming slightly more serious. “And I was hoping you’d stay, if there’s nowhere else you need to be. I don’t know when I’ll see you again when you leave tomorrow.”

Vex bit her lip as she considered that. “Well, now I have a pretty compelling reason to come back to Whitestone as soon as I can.” She caught Pike smile slightly at that. “And if we go off to fight Vorugal without you, we’re even bigger idiots than I thought.”

“Yeah, you would be,” Pike agreed. She flipped through the pages of her book, thinking to herself before starting to write where she left off. “I think I want to read you the bit I wrote about Winter’s Crest, after we took Whitestone back. There are a few things I wrote about you that I was a little embarrassed about before, but not anymore.”

“Oh?” Vex gave a devious smile. “I can’t wait.”

As she curled her body around Pike, the scratching sound of the quill against the paper filling the room, Vex felt safer than she had felt in a long time despite everything. Maybe she wasn’t truly home and maybe she never would be. Then again, maybe she had been thinking about “home” the wrong way. If home couldn’t be a place, maybe it could be a person.


End file.
